Who you really are..

When I was a child, I used to be so fascinated by the number of things you could do when you grew up.. you could become an astronaut, or become a pilot, or become a painter or become a teacher.. everything sounded so wonderful, everything seemed so wonderful.

When I was little, I used to think that I would do something not a lot of people do, that I would do a job which was unique, something that would change the world. I used to look at my elder cousins, slogging for their engineering studies and mentally vowed that I would never study what I did not like and would always listen to my heart and do exactly what it says.

But growing up was an experience in itself and it taught me a lot of things of which, as a child, I was unaware. Before I knew it, I was studying to become an engineer, grudgingly at that. Before I knew it, I could no longer listen to my heart and find out exactly what I wanted to do. Before I knew, I had lost all my answers. Before I knew, I was left only with some uncomfortable questions.

Looking back at my childhood, I feel like a owe the 9-year old me an apology that I could not become the person she envisioned me to be. But to the 30 year old that I would be someday, I would want to tell her that I am trying my best, to find my true calling. And that, I have realised, to be yourself is the biggest victory.

How many of us can claim to be ourselves? Truly,honestly ourselves and not a worldly mutation?
Some words I read recently had a deep impact on me and it would be unfair to end this post without sharing them -

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

The irony of life.

Life can be so ironic at times.. and it stares you in the eye at some of the most unexpected moments. I work for a youth volunteer network called Make A Difference (www.makeadiff.in) and as a part of the core team in my city, it's a part of my duty to co-ordinate efforts where these underprivileged children get to know the outside world more and be a part of it.

And that's what we did when we had 4 beauty queens from 4 different nations visit our physically-challenged children from a certain centre. They were Miss Canada, Miss Sweden, Miss Iceland and Miss Mongolia. They interacted with the kids, played games, drew pictures, sang, danced and did everything that would make their time with the children even more fun. Towards the end, the children were in a mood to dance and we put on a Bhangra song for them. The song was 'Saddi Gali' from the recent hit 'Tanu Weds Manu'. You'd say, 'what's so ironic about this?'

But it is..
for a song that says,
'Even though by mistake, come to my lane sometime'

And I saw these kids dance to this song like there was no tomorrow. Children who were living this song, who just want your time and love and consideration. Nothing more than that.. children whose faces light up when you visit them, teach them something new, respect them for the individuals they are.. it was one of the most difficult moments in my life when I realized this irony and tried hard to stop that lone tear from flowing down my cheek.

:')

Ego-check.

Most of times, one is thinking about other people's egos .. other people's ego issues, mind games and what not.. but very rarely do we sit and evaluate our own standing on these parameters. Then come along some stressful conditions and situations which make us sit up and take into account that our own standing
is no matter of a moral high, but questionable to say the least.

Our ego snares up and shows its ugly head when we find it difficult to apologize, boast unnecessarily, cannot take suggestions, will not share problems with our juniors, and do not share credit. It happens before you know it and knowing our mind and heart, those moments keep flashing in your head, drilling into you the fact that your ego needs a big wala check.

It is moments like these when you appreciate the people around you, for tolerating you and your ego, and for never letting go.

Ego comes with a huge appetite.

Ha!

Sometimes you try to be everything..

and everyone..

Yes, sometimes you try to be everything and everyone. This is what I realised a few days back after a
certain event. Sometimes, you have such high expectations from others that lowering the bar for yourself and bringing some tolerance into the equation never comes in the equation. You forget how it was when
you were not good at things someone else required you to do and how you would be treated patiently and kindly when you erred. This is exactly what some things in life teach you, when someone you love and trust, finally shows you the mirror.

High expectations? Yes.
The other crucial factor here is what you want to be and the difference between the idealistic you and the person that you are. Growing up, knowing your parents and their work, you wish to be just like them,
perfect and proficient in their field. And then sometimes you forget that it is their 20 years of experience that makes them who they are and you ALSO forget that Rome was not built in a day. You try to do things like them, you try to see things from their view, you think of how your parents would approach a certain thing and when the idealistic you does not want to disappoint, you start shielding your shortcomings from the people who love and take on more than you can deliver, more than you can complete.

And then, if you are lucky to have such beautiful human beings as your parents as I do, there will come a moment in time when there will be that soft touch on your shoulder, the experienced eye who knows the crumbling self inside, the knowing smile who knows your shaky belief.. who will stop you, hold your hand firmly and tell you

It's alright if you say no. It is alright to be upset. It is alright if you do not do everything. 


It is alright. 

Things my dog taught me..

For the uninitiated - this is Joy - my third pet after Simba (who looked exactly like him) and Snoopy (who was a Doberman)..

 When I was a little kid, my father had two dogs, one was a mongrel called Sonu and the other was a Pomeranian. Ofcourse, I was too young at that time, and as I grew up, and as the dogs grew old and died, I tried to understand why my father loved those dogs so much. When I grew up, my mother told me she had a dog who lived for 14 years and I could see the love she had, still, for her Mapso =]

Come 1997,
Me, 8 years old, and I come back from school one day to find my parents looking at me and my younger brother with that excited smile on their faces. We went upstairs and our parents stood in front of the couch on the side, we could not understand why. Only when my father moved his legs a little, was I introduced to the biggest wonder that a boy/girl can ever have - no, it's no video game, it's not a bicycle - it was the most adorable pup on the planet and we decided to name him Simba.

Simba was a bundle of joy, partial to my mother, VERY attentive to my father's commands who he treated as his master (incidentally - there is only one person in each family who the dog obeys unconditionally - who in the truest sense, is the dog's master) and always wagging his tail with joy. When he was tired and let his tongue out loose, you'd say he was smiling because that is what his face looked like.. there was never a dull moment with Simba around - who used to sneak under the dinner table for scraps, snuggle up on stranger's feet and go sleep on them, let small kids pull his ears and sit on him, run around like crazy when it was too hit, try and catch birds in the garden.. he was all this and more..

Simba gave me a lot of happiness and a lot of good memories but the biggest gift Simba gave me was to teach me how to be truly selfess and really love without expecation, love without reason and love with all your self. No matter what the time, Simba would come to me at one call. When I returned home from school, Simba would already be there, waiting at the fates, always - there was not a single day when Simba did not meet me at the gate/door when I came back from school; not a single day when he would let me get away without him licking my face crazy; not a single day when he would not tell me how much he loved me.

He was my first dog, he was my first pet - he was my baby. He was the first person in whose upbringing I was completely involved. He was the first person I talked to on my birthday, early in the mornings, just to watch him tilt his head and quirk his eyebrows. He was my best friend, the best listener, the true faithful.

When Simba died,
I was heartbroken, and I did not know what to do as I saw a set of strangers bury my beloved dog in the ground in front of my house. I bawled like a baby and the hurt has not gone yet. But that is the beauty of having pets, that is the irony -

You know, you always know that they are not going to outlive you,
And yet, yet they value you more than anyone else..

There are so many things my pets have taught me..
And the biggest one of them was to love

Thank you Simba, may you always rest in peace.
Thank you Snoopy, for being the angel who always listened.
Thank you Joy, for continuing to make my days with your twinkling eyes

Thank you 

<3